I didn’t sleep well last night. I was so excited for Emily who had her baby yesterday. I was also sad because of another friend’s loss of her second baby at 14 weeks. (She went in on Monday for an ultrasound because they hadn’t heard the heartbeat yet, and they found the baby had died 4 weeks before.) I kept thinking of the joy Emily must be having and the sorrow, Jenni must be feeling.
I also reflected on how I felt earlier in this pregnancy when we hadn’t heard the heartbeat by 15 weeks. I had gone in for a midwife appointment at 12 weeks. Neither my midwife or I were concerned that we couldn’t find a heartbeat at that point. I had another appointment just 3 weeks later, and still she couldn’t find a heartbeat, even after using several fetal dopplers. I was surprised, but not too worried about it. My midwife was a bit concerned (okay, maybe really concerned, but I didn’t sense it in her–I think David did though). She told us the possible reasons so I would be prepared for anything. (I love that about her, she doesn’t hold back unless she sees a need to.) I was pretty sure everything was okay until I kept talking to David who was quite upset and concerned. I began to doubt that all was okay and decided I needed to be prepared for the worst. I checked out the book Gone Too Soon from the library to prepare myself. I also researched molar pregnancy (which didn’t fit my situation much at all).
At this time, I also had to get myself on Medicaid in order to pay for an ultrasound and ob visit if needed. We didn’t have the $ necessary to pay for either one out of pocket. I set up an appointment with my family practitioner, Dr. C, and waited for the day to come so we could begin a closure to a tragedy or be happy because the baby was fine. Before my appointment with Dr. C, a friend, Jenn (different than Jenni mentioned above), had miscarried for the first time after four healthy uneventful pregnancies. I was saddened by her loss and hoped to console her in some way, hoping that it wouldn’t be because I literally knew what she was going through. Suggesting the book was about the only thing I could do for her.
The appointment with Dr. C came. I was 17 weeks and praying that we’d hear the heartbeat. Dr. C was very kind and polite as always. He talked to us about our concerns and then we got down to business. He checked for a heartbeat and got one right away. David and I were so elated (even though we didn’t show it by jumping up and down for joy, which is what I felt like doing!). Our wait was rewarded with the wonderful sound of a heartbeat! At first, I thought that all this was in vain. I’d hoped it wasn’t, and I now believe it wasn’t in vain. Sometimes our loving Heavenly Father gives us trials to bring us closer to Him and to one another. David and I were definitely closer after the experience. And, if anything, I was able to help my friend, Jenn, by suggesting the book. She later told me it had helped her quite a bit, and when she experienced another miscarriage she was able to cope a bit better.
I don’t know why Heavenly Father gives some families the trial of miscarriages and death, but I do know that He loves us and sent His Son to live and die for us. He knows what we are going through no matter how easy or difficult the road. He knows what it’s like to lose a child. He knows everything! The road for my family has been long and difficult, thankfully without an added miscarriage along the way, but we know that God will provide for us and lift us up when we can’t trudge the path any longer.